In Assertiveness 103 you will learn…
What assertiveness skills do your coaching clients need from you?
While there are many assertiveness skills, here we will focus on Fur: confidence, enthusiasm, setting boundaries, and developing emotional balance.
Confidence
For your clients to have confidence in you means that they trust you, respect you, and believe that you can help them. To support the development of confidence in your clients you need to have confidence in yourself and your ability to help them. You can communicate confidence to your clients by providing examples of how you have helped people like them, people they can relate to, perhaps by type of problem, or age, gender, cultural, or ideological similarities. Just tell a short story about one or more person that they can relate to in one or more way that you have helped.
You can also build confidence by generating credibility by saying “I don’t know,” or “I haven’t worked on exactly that sort of issue before but I have worked on….” What this conveys is honesty and authenticity. They know you aren’t all-knowing or a miracle worker, and for you to verbalize the limits of your knowledge or capabilities builds confidence that they can count on you and trust your judgment.
Remember that while phony or superficial confidence, like that of Donald Trump, is better than none at all, because it still inspires and builds trust, real confidence is not easily or clearly differentiated from superficial or phony confidence. This is because appearances can easily be assumed to be character. People typically latch on to appearances that they like and assume they reflect character, because that is what they hope, need, and want to be true. It is easy then, to blame superficial others for betrayal when in truth it has been our own naïveté combined with our wishful thinking, that blinds us to what real character is.
Enthusiasm
When you express enthusiasm you give your clients hope that their situation can improve by working with you. Enthusiasm communicates energy, emotional warmth, and creativity. Your clients will surf on your mood and allow it to raise theirs, from fear, confusion, doubt, or depression to hope. However, don’t overdue it! Like confidence, you can exude too much enthusiasm. Look for things in your client’s situation that you can be enthusiastic about. Look for reasons why you are authentically enthusiastic about whatever interventions you are recommending. Your moods are contagious, so be mindful to communicate whatever mood you think is most likely to be helpful. When in doubt, enthusiasm is a good default mood to cultivate.
Setting Boundaries
Boundary issues can manifest in emotional, psychological, and relationship contexts, leading to challenges and conflicts. Emotional boundary issues include emotional enmeshment, inhibition, dependency, and neglect. Psychological boundary issues include identity diffusion, intellectual inhibition, over-identification, and permeable boundaries. Relationship boundary issues include codependency, boundary violations, poor communication, and issues of dependency, independence, and interdependence. This is such an important and fundamental topic that we will cover it separately, below.
Helpfulness is tricky. Most everyone intends to be helpful. Most everyone assumes they are helpful. But are we? How do we know? It is important to understand and remember the differences between a Rescuer in the Drama Triangle and a helper. A Rescuer 1) doesn’t wait for a request but jumps right in; 2) Rescuers don’t check to see if their “help” is actually helping; 3) Rescuers keep on “helping,” leading to burn-out. By comparison, helpers listens for a request. Then, in addition, via interviewing they find out if the desire for help is in alignment with the priorities of interviewed emerging potentials. Helpers operationalize recommendations so they have a way of knowing if their “help” really is helping or not. Helpers also encourage independence and interdependence by conveying the belief that clients have within them the resources they need to be balanced and at peace with themselves and life. They convey interdependence by teaching students how to interview them in order to both teach transformational tools and empower clients to help others.
In addition, it is important to have ways to judge the value of your help regardless of the outcome with your clients. You can do so by asking, “Have I been respectful?” “Have I reciprocated by listening in a deep and integral way?” “Have I been trustworthy?” That is, have you kept appointment times and other commitments? “Have I been empathetic?” Of course, we all think we are empathetic! But how do we know? Empathy is not “I feel your pain.” Empathy is the other saying, “Yes, I feel heard and seen by you.” Empathy is not agreement and it is not echoing the same feeling ourselves. Instead, empathy is the other acknowledging that they are heard and seen.
A client can break off and you don’t know why. A client can stay stuck or even get worse. What are you to think? Certainly you could have done more. If you were a wizard or Jesus they would have gotten better. But you are neither. You are going to at times miss cues, not understand, misinterpret, be misunderstood, or be used to validate a Victim script. While interviewing and the entire IDL curriculum is designed to reduce those outcomes, there are no guarantees, and when you are left with a feeling of failure and no clear answers, the above checklist is good to remember.
Boundary issues that block emotional, psychological, and relationship assertiveness
Several common boundary issues can impede assertiveness, impacting individuals emotionally, psychologically, and within their relationships. These issues often stem from personal history, societal conditioning, and internalized beliefs. Here are key factors that can block assertiveness:
Emotional Issues
These include fear f rejection due t a concern that asserting yourself will lead to a loss of approval from others. This can cause you to avoid expressing your needs or opinions. Fear f conflict is anxiety about potential disagreements or confrontations. This can lead to passive behavior and avoidance of asserting personal boundaries. Feeling guilty for wanting to prioritize your own needs or set boundaries can prevent you from asserting yourself, as you may feel you are being selfish.
Psychological Issues
Low self-esteem is a lack of confidence in your worth or abilities, making it difficult to believe that your needs and opinions are valid, thus hindering assertiveness. Deeply ingrained beliefs that you should always be accommodating or that assertiveness is aggressive can prevent you from acting assertively. Perfectionism, r the striving for flawlessness based n a fear of making mistakes can lead to difficulty in asserting yourself, as you might fear not doing so perfectly. Identity Diffusion: Uncertainty or confusion about your own beliefs, values, or identity, often due to blurred psychological boundaries with others. Intellectual Inhibition: Suppressing your thoughts, opinions, or intellectual autonomy to avoid conflict or maintain harmony in relationships. Over-Identification: Taking on the emotions, beliefs, or values of others to the extent that your own identity becomes overshadowed or compromised. Permeable Boundaries: Allowing others to influence your thoughts, decisions, or perceptions without sufficient discernment or critical evaluation.
Relationship Issues
Enmeshment is indicated by a lack of clear boundaries in relationships, leading to overly involved or controlling dynamics. This makes it difficult fr you to assert your own needs separately from the relationship. Past experiences of abuse or trauma can create fear and anxiety around asserting yourself. This leads to difficulty in setting and maintaining boundaries due to fear of reprisal or further trauma. Codependency: Excessive reliance on a partner or loved one for one’s sense of self-worth, identity, or emotional stability, often resulting in an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship dynamic. Boundary Violations: Disregarding or disrespecting the boundaries set by others, whether intentionally or unintentionally, leading to feelings of resentment, mistrust, or betrayal. Poor Communication: Inadequate communication of personal boundaries, needs, or expectations, resulting in misunderstandings, conflicts, or unmet needs in relationships. Dependency vs. Independence: Struggling to find a balance between autonomy and interdependence in relationships, leading to issues of over-reliance or emotional distance.
Societal and Cultural Influences
Gender roles are societal expectations about appropriate behavior for different genders. For example, women may be socialized to be accommodating and non-confrontational, while men might be discouraged from expressing vulnerability. Cultural norms are expectations regarding deference, hierarchy, and communication styles. These can discourage you from being assertive if your cultural background emphasizes collectivism or deference to authority.
Cognitive Distortions
Catastrophizing: involves assuming the worst possible outcome from a situation. It can prevent assertiveness by creating irrational fears about the consequences of assertive behavior. Overgeneralization involves believing that one negative outcome means all similar situations will have the same result. This can lead to a reluctance to assert yourself after a single bad experience.
Life areas where assertiveness is important but often difficult to learn or practice
Good strategies for developing assertiveness
- Developing assertiveness can greatly improve communication and interpersonal relationships. Here are twenty strategies to help you cultivate assertiveness:
- Know your rights: Understand that you have the right to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
- Practice self-awareness: Recognize your own feelings and thoughts, as well as the situations where you tend to be passive or aggressive.
- Set clear boundaries: Define what you are comfortable with and communicate those boundaries to others.
- Use “I” statements: Express your thoughts and feelings using statements that start with “I” to take ownership of your emotions and perspectives.
- Practice active listening: Listen attentively to others without interrupting, and paraphrase to ensure you understand their perspective.
- Be direct and specific: Clearly communicate your needs, wants, and opinions without being ambiguous or overly apologetic.
- Practice saying no: Learn to decline requests or invitations politely but firmly when they don’t align with your priorities or values.
- Use positive body language: Maintain eye contact, stand or sit up straight, and use open gestures to convey confidence and assertiveness.
- Take responsibility for your actions: Acknowledge mistakes and apologize when necessary, but avoid excessive self-blame or defensiveness.
- Use assertive communication techniques: Practice techniques like broken record (repeating your point calmly), fogging (agreeing with a kernel of truth), and negative assertion (acknowledging the other person’s feelings without giving in). It can be highly assertive to say, “I am probably wrong.” “I am probably mistaken.” “I am probably being stupid.” “I may be unfair.”
- While such statements sound and may feel passive, are they? What they do is signal to the other party that you are not a threat. In addition, they tend to build empathy. Listening third parties, without a bone in the fight, are likely to view you and your position in a more positive light. It might even be that the other person in the argument may now come to your rescue, perhaps in order to appear virtuous: “I don’t think you’re wrong.” “I don’t think your mistaken.” “I don’t think you’re being stupid.” “I don’t think you are being unfair.”
- Express appreciation: Acknowledge others’ contributions and perspectives, even when you disagree with them.
- Seek compromise: Look for solutions that meet the needs of all parties involved, rather than resorting to win-lose scenarios. Passive-looking positions can be assertive in that they can disarm the opposition. They can also leave you feeling better about yourself, regardless of the outcome of the dispute, because you didn’t take it personally.
- Practice relaxation techniques: Use deep breathing, mindfulness, or progressive muscle relaxation to manage stress and maintain composure in assertive interactions.
- Build self-confidence: Cultivate a positive self-image by focusing on your strengths, accomplishments, and abilities.
- Set goals for assertiveness: Identify specific situations where you want to be more assertive and work towards those goals gradually.
- Seek feedback: Ask for feedback from trusted friends, family members, or colleagues on how assertively you’re communicating and where you can improve.
- Role-play assertive scenarios: Practice assertive communication in low-stakes situations or with a trusted friend or coach to build confidence and skill.
- Learn from assertive role models: Observe how assertive individuals handle difficult situations and emulate their communication style and strategies.
- Reflect on past experiences: Analyze past interactions where you were either too passive or too aggressive, and identify what you could have done differently to be more assertive.
- Be patient and persistent: Developing assertiveness is a gradual process that takes time and practice. Be kind to yourself and celebrate your progress along the way.
Remember that assertiveness is about advocating for yourself while respecting the rights and boundaries of others. Finding the right balance can lead to healthier relationships and greater personal fulfillment.
What are steps to developing emotional balance?
Emotional enmeshment involves difficulty distinguishing your emotions from those of others, leading to a lack of emotional autonomy. We might experience this as empathy, in the sense of feeling along with others, but it is closer to sympathy or a rudimentary form of empathy, in that it lacks objectivity. If my emotions are your emotions, who are you? Does a boundary between you and me exist? If not, is that healthy or not? The reason this is important is because some people yearn for the elimination of all boundaries between self and others, including emotional boundaries, in the pursuit of union and oneness. Emotional Inhibition: Suppressing or ignoring one’s own emotions to avoid conflict or please others, resulting in emotional repression. Emotional Dependence: Relying excessively on others for validation, approval, or emotional support, leading to an inability to self-soothe or cope independently. Emotional Neglect: Disregarding one’s own emotional needs or consistently prioritizing the needs of others, resulting in feelings of emptiness or resentment.
Developing emotional balance is a process that involves self-awareness, self-regulation, and healthy coping mechanisms. Here are some steps to help you cultivate emotional balance:
- Self-awareness: Understand your emotions by recognizing and acknowledging them without judgment. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations.
- Mindfulness practice: Engage in mindfulness activities such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga to stay present and grounded in the moment.
- Identify triggers: Identify situations, people, or thoughts that trigger intense emotional responses in you. Understanding your triggers can help you prepare for and manage your reactions more effectively.
- Develop coping strategies: Build a toolkit of healthy coping strategies to manage stress and difficult emotions. This could include relaxation techniques, physical exercise, creative outlets, or seeking support from others.
- Practice self-regulation: Learn to regulate your emotions by recognizing when they are becoming overwhelming and taking steps to calm yourself down. This might involve stepping back from a situation, taking deep breaths, or using positive self-talk.
- Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries in your relationships and prioritize your own needs. Learn to say no when necessary and communicate your limits assertively.
- Cultivate empathy: Develop empathy towards yourself and others. Try to understand the perspectives and feelings of those around you, which can help you navigate conflicts more effectively.
- Challenge negative thinking: Challenge negative or irrational thoughts that contribute to emotional imbalance. Replace them with more balanced and realistic perspectives.
- Seek support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support when needed. Talking about your emotions with others can provide validation and perspective.
- Practice gratitude: Cultivate a sense of gratitude by focusing on the positive aspects of your life. Keep a gratitude journal or simply take a few moments each day to reflect on what you’re thankful for.
- Develop resilience: Build resilience by viewing challenges as opportunities for growth rather than insurmountable obstacles. Learn from setbacks and bounce back stronger.
- Engage in self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul. This could include getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, spending time in nature, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy.
- Manage stress: Develop effective stress management techniques such as time management, prioritization, and problem-solving skills to prevent stress from overwhelming you.
- Practice forgiveness: Let go of resentments and practice forgiveness towards yourself and others. Holding onto grudges only perpetuates negative emotions and can hinder your emotional balance.
- Stay flexible: Be open to change and adaptability. Recognize that life is unpredictable and that it’s okay to adjust your expectations and plans accordingly.
- Celebrate progress: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress in developing emotional balance. Recognize your efforts and achievements, no matter how small.
- Stay connected: Maintain supportive relationships with friends, family, and community. Social connection can provide comfort, perspective, and a sense of belonging.
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, especially during difficult times. Remember that it’s okay to struggle, and that you deserve gentleness and understanding.
- Limit exposure to negativity: Minimize exposure to negative influences such as toxic relationships, news, or social media that can exacerbate emotional imbalance.
Assignments and Homework
- Write down your answers to the following questions.
- Share your answers with your other study team members.
- Discuss.
- Submit your written answers to your team supervisor.
Where in your life do you most lack assertiveness?
In what life situations are you most likely to be passive? Why?
In what life situations are you most likely to be aggressive? Why?
Interviewing:
At a minimum, do one interview a week, getting experience with both dream and life issue protocols.
One week, interview yourself.
One week, interview a subject. It can be a fellow team member, a family member, friend, or client.
One week, be interviewed by someone else.
Submit your written interviews to your supervising team member. To have your interviews automatically created for you, use the on-line interviewing format on this site.
Setting Intent:
What do you want to take away from this unit to improve your life?
How would you like it to influence your dreams tonight?
Format that as a statement of intention to read over to remind yourself, before you go to sleep, to incubate in your dreams tonight.
