In this unit you will learn…
Reasons assertiveness is difficult to learn
Assertiveness does not generalize well.
Assertiveness feels like aggression to the passive.
Aggressors normally assume they are assertive, just misunderstood.
We can never be completely aware of the needs of others, in part, because others are often conflicted about their needs.
We are often conflicted about our own needs and therefore do not take all of our relevant needs into account, only those that we are aware of at the time.
Assertiveness is challenging because it requires awareness, lucidity. It takes less energy and mental focus to be passive or aggressive. Most people have major deficits in assertiveness. They may be assertive in one area but not in others. This is because assertiveness does not generalize well. While aggression looks like it requires more energy, its purpose is to not have to expend the energy that listening to others in a deep and integral way requires. Emotional reactivity feels authentic and it often backs off opposition. Aggression asserts the dominance of your identity, truth, opinion, reality, priorities, interests over those of others. To do so saves the time and energy of having to question your motives, behavior, or who you are. You get others and your environment to change rather than changing yourself, which is often both uncomfortable and difficult. Passivity, on the other hand, allows you to sleepwalk though life immersed in your scripting and dramas. You can blame others for your lack of success, fulfillment, or satisfaction.
Fear of conflict is a major reason most people have difficulty learning and practicing assertiveness It is not unusual to fear confrontation, criticism, judgment, or conflict and avoid assertiveness to prevent uncomfortable situations. If you are unsure of yourself or have low self-esteem you may struggle to assert yourself due to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. Cultural norms and upbringing can influence your attitudes towards assertiveness. Some cultures, for example or identical ones, valuing deference and humility over assertiveness. Because it may trigger feelings of vulnerability or fear, past trauma or abuse can make it difficult to assert yourself. If you prioritize others’ needs over your own may struggle to assert themselves for fear of disappointing or upsetting others. All of us, in one situation or another, simply lack the knowledge or skills to communicate assertively, leading to passive or aggressive communication styles instead. When we prioritize maintaining relationships over expressing their own needs, fear of rejection or disapproval from others can hinder assertiveness. The perceived risk of asserting oneself, such as potential negative consequences or backlash, can deter us from practicing assertiveness. Peer pressure or societal expectations to conform to certain behaviors or roles may discourage assertiveness, particularly in group settings. Established habits of passive or aggressive communication can be difficult to break, requiring conscious effort and practice to develop assertiveness skills.
Generalizing assertiveness can be difficult because assertiveness is a skill that is context-dependent and may vary based on individual personalities, cultural norms, and situational factors. What may be considered assertive behavior in one situation or culture may not be perceived the same way in another. For example, the “White Man’s Burden” justified aggression toward exploited foreigners as benign helpfulness, a form of assertiveness. When governments are overthrown to “bring democracy,” a similar dynamic is in play. We have different personalities and communication styles, which can affect how we express assertiveness. Some may naturally be more assertive, while others may struggle to assert themselves due to shyness, introversion, or other personality traits. Fear of negative consequences, such as conflict, rejection, or disapproval, can hinder us from being assertive in asking people out, asking questions in class or public events, or for a raise at work. Cultural norms and values can influence how you express and interpret assertiveness. In some groups or societies, assertiveness may be encouraged and valued, while in others it may be seen as confrontational or disrespectful.
Developing assertiveness requires practice, self-awareness, and feedback. It may take time for you to develop the confidence and communication skills needed to assert yourself effectively in different life circumstances. Emotional factors, including anxiety, insecurity, or low self-esteem can impact your ability to be assertive. Assertiveness is often influenced by the complicated dynamics of interpersonal relationships, including power dynamics, trust levels, and your past experiences with the others involved. These factors can affect how assertiveness is perceived and responded to.
From our infancy, we are socialized to prioritize politeness, avoid conflict, and prioritize others’ needs over our own. Unlearning these ingrained habits and adopting assertive behaviors can be difficult. As we have discussed, our fears of confrontation or conflict and worry about how others will perceive us if we assert ourselves generates passivity, aggressiveness, and passive-aggressiveness. If we were not exposed to assertive communication styles or have not had positive role models who demonstrate assertiveness, we can struggle to learn and adopt assertive behaviors. If we have low self-esteem, we may doubt our worth or worry about being perceived as selfish or demanding if we assert themselves. Building self-confidence is an important part of learning assertiveness. Assertiveness can involve expressing emotions such as anger, frustration, or disappointment, which can be uncomfortable. Learning to tolerate and manage these emotions is a key aspect of assertiveness training. Cultural norms and expectations regarding communication styles, conflict resolution, and hierarchy can influence how our assertiveness is perceived and expressed. If you grow up in a culture that prioritizes deference or conformity you may find assertiveness particularly challenging to learn. If you didn’t but interact with those who did, you may well be perceived as aggressive. Assertiveness is a skill that requires practice and feedback to develop. Learning to communicate assertively involves mastering techniques such as using “I” statements, active listening, and setting boundaries, which may take time and effort to master. Breaking old habits of passive or aggressive communication and adopting new assertive behaviors is challenging. It requires self-awareness, commitment, and persistence to change ingrained patterns of behavior.
The most common barriers to assertiveness are…
Looking back at my own life, I have been far too passive. If I had it to do over, I would have asked many more questions rather than stay silent. Why did I stay silent? I can think of four reasons: 1) lack of confidence, 2) fear of rejection, 3) personalization, and 4) lack of information. The first three are grounded in cognitive distortions that were unquestioned assumptions. I did not have enough information to know that, much less know what to do about that.
This is what I know now: Regarding lack of confidence, the underlying cognitive distortion is, “I am afraid I will fail.” Regarding fear of rejection, the underlying cognitive distortion is, “I am afraid people will reject/not like me.” Regarding personalization, the underlying cognitive distortion is, “It’s all about me.”
These roadblocks to assertiveness cannot be dealt with until they are surfaced and identified. Most people fail to do so. I certainly didn’t. This is a major reason why we have the third unit in the IDL healing curriculum on clear thinking: so you and your students/clients don’t waste years unaware of their own barriers to assertiveness.
Once these underlying assumptions which are irrational, non-factual, fear based, and cognitive distortions are surfaced, we can ask ourselves, “Are they true?” “If they are true emotionally, are they realistic?” “Are they rational, from the perspective of uninvolved third parties?” “Do they reflect perspectives that are taken by the majority of my interviewed emerging potentials?”
The answer to these questions is usually and generally “no.”
Once you have reached that conclusion, you are in a position to find and substitute realistic, objective, and rational thoughts/statements for cognitive distortions that support passivity (or aggression or passive/aggressiveness). Here are examples:
For “I am afraid I will fail,” I can substitute, “I may fail, and I can view failure as an opportunity to learn and grow.”
For “I am afraid people will reject/not like me,” I can substitute, “People may reject me or they may support me. I don’t know; I can’t read minds.”
For “It’s all about me,” I can substitute, “Most people are thinking about themselves and their issues, not about me.”
If I had known this information and worked at applying it when I was say, twelve, it would have changed the course of my life. How about yours? How about the lives of your children, friends, and clients? This is a reason IDL focuses its outreach to children: to get them these tools before their lives are set in the stone of habit and predestined by a chain of previously made life choices, is transformative.
Regarding the last major block to assertiveness that I named, a lack of information, today the problem is not a lack of information. We are flooded with information and tools like Google and Chatbots to provide us with information. What we lack is awareness of what questions are important and critical and which are not, to focus in on the most relevant questions and answers to our particular lack of assertiveness.
What are emotional and cognitive barriers to the development of assertiveness? How to deal with them?
Emotional and cognitive barriers can significantly hinder your development of assertiveness. The fear of being disliked, criticized, or rejected by others can prevent you from expressing your needs or opinions assertively. Address any fears you may have of criticism by not taking disagreement personally. People can disagree with your beliefs or behavior and still respect you as an individual. Do not assume that because someone doesn’t like what you say or do that they do not like you, since you recognize your own ability to disagree with others and still like or respect them as individuals. Focus on recognizing that most criticisms by others are not directed at you, since if someone else were saying or behaving in a similar way, they would be critical of them. Consider criticisms made by others to primarily be statements about them and their values, not about you. Remind yourself that they do not know you and what motivates your beliefs and actions and that if they did, they would be less critical and more understanding. At the same time, while remaining willing to explain your motives, resist the desire to do so in self-defense or out of a desire to change their minds. Others are entitled to their opinions, just as you are to theirs.
Feelings of guilt or shame can arise when asserting yourself, especially if you’ve been conditioned to be passive, that is, to prioritize others’ needs over your own. Recognize that asserting yourself doesn’t make you selfish or uncaring, although you may have been scripted to believe that it does. If you think being assertive means you are selfish or uncaring you are probably a childhood victim of efforts to make you feel responsible even when you are not. The significance of this strategy is that if you assume you are responsible you will not hold others accountable, giving them a freer range of expression.
Remember that guilt is always toxic. No exceptions. Guilt is about beating up the donkey to make it move faster. It is a problem focus. You cannot feel or convey guilt without putting yourself in the role of Persecutor in the Drama Triangle. Shift to a solution focus by asking, “What do I (or the other person) need to do differently?”
Social anxiety or general anxiety can make it difficult to assert yourself in social or professional situations, leading to avoidance or passive behavior. Deep breathing and pranayama will work to shift both your physiology and mood by shifting from activation of your sympathetic to parasympathetic autonomic nervous system. Mental preparation for anxiety-producing situations is both important and effective. Gradually expose yourself to situations that generate anxiety, such as public speaking, in a supportive environment, starting with low-stakes scenarios and gradually increasing difficulty.
Strong emotions like anger or frustration can escalate conflicts and hinder effective communication, making it challenging to assert yourself calmly and constructively. To effectively deal with strong emotions, practice emotion regulation techniques, such as observing your breathing, naming your thoughts, taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or taking a break to cool off before responding. Remind yourself of your intentions and of your Statement of Intent if you have one. Use “I” statements to express your feelings assertively without blaming or attacking others.
Negative self-talk is an important cognitive barrier to assertiveness, and that is one reason why you study cognitive distortions and beliefs as well as logical fallacies in the third module. Negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve to speak up,” can undermine confidence and assertiveness. Challenge your negative self-talk by questioning its accuracy and replacing it with more positive and empowering statements.
Do you have any unrealistic expectations of perfection or fear of making mistakes? These can lead to avoidance of assertive behavior out of fear of failure or criticism. Deal with it by considering that “good enough” is good enough. Mistakes are a natural part of learning and growth. Focus on your progress rather than perfection, and celebrate your efforts and accomplishments along the way. Challenge perfectionist tendencies by setting realistic goals and accepting your imperfections as part of being human.
Also, overanalyzing situations or second-guessing yourself can lead to paralysis and indecision, making it difficult to assert yourself confidently. Practice mindfulness techniques to stay present and grounded in the moment, rather than getting caught up in overthinking. Trust your instincts and intuition, and make decisions based on what feels right for you. Challenge the need for certainty and embrace the idea of taking calculated risks in asserting yourself.
Identifying and addressing fear of conflict
Fear of conflict is a fundamental barrier to assertiveness in relationships, our thoughts, and in our dreams. In our dreams we tend to want to avoid conflict, just as we do in waking life, because it appears threatening. In our thoughts, our cognitive distortions and cognitive biases are often fear-based. Reducing mental conflict reduces cognitive dissonance, something that occurs when we perceive, do, or think something that threatens our identity. For example, when soldiers return home the gulf between a warrior mentality and appropriate civilian behavior can create enough cognitive dissonance to generate post-traumatic stress disorder. Ignoring the dissonance, a form of passive avoidance, or fighting the experienced threat to identity do not work, yet no assertive solution appears viable. In our relationships, reluctance or avoidance of expressing our thoughts, feelings, needs, or boundaries due to a fear of potential disagreement, confrontation, or negative reactions from others is common. This fear can hinder you from asserting yourself effectively in various situations, leading to difficulties in communication, relationships, and personal or professional growth.
You may avoid conflict because you fear feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or stressed during confrontational situations. Concerns about being rejected, criticized, or judged negatively by others can prevent you from asserting yourself and expressing your true thoughts or feelings. You may prioritize maintaining harmony and avoiding tension or conflict in relationships, leading you to suppress your own needs or opinions to keep the peace. If we fear arguments, disapproval, or rejection we are likely to be “nice” rather than authentic, in order to signal to others that we need them to be kind to us. This teaches others how they can manipulate or hurt us: just withhold their approval and we are likely to become compliant. Low self-esteem or confidence can contribute to a fear of conflict, as you may doubt your ability to handle disagreements or assert yourself effectively. Cultural and societal expectations regarding politeness, deference to authority, or avoiding confrontation may influence you to avoid assertive communication and conflict.
Overcoming these multiple sources of fear of conflict as a barrier to assertiveness involves building your confidence, developing effective communication skills, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to manage any discomfort you may feel associated with conflict. This may involve practicing assertive communication techniques, such as using “I” statements, active listening, and assertive body language, as well as taking a deep look at underlying fears or insecurities. Interviewing is an excellent way to do so because it typically puts us in touch with emerging potentials that are more assertive than we are.
Managing social anxiety and fear of rejection
Managing social anxiety and fear of rejection is an important pre-requisite to developing assertiveness in relationships. Make an inventory of those situations that are likely to trigger a passive or aggressive reaction to social anxiety and fear of rejection. Write down the thoughts and beliefs that you have about those situations in order to consider them objectively. Are they cognitive distortions? If so, replace them with realistic and rational thoughts about the situation or relationship. By doing so you will learn to catch your passive and aggressive thoughts and feelings as they arise, giving you a chance to respond, rather than to react.
Work on less threatening situations first. Gradually expose yourself to social situations that trigger anxiety or fear of rejection. Start with smaller, less intimidating situations and gradually work your way up to more challenging ones. Set achievable goals for yourself in social situations. Focus on specific behaviors you want to work on, such as speaking up in meetings or initiating conversations with new people. Practice assertive communication techniques, such as using “I” statements, expressing your needs and preferences, and setting boundaries. Practice assertive communication through role-playing scenarios with a friend, family member, coach, or therapist. Talk to both objective and intrasocial others who can provide guidance and support in managing your social anxiety and developing your assertiveness skills. Objective sources are friends, family, mentors, coaches, and counselors. Intrasocial sources are interviewed dream characters and the personifications of your life issues.
Engage in activities that help boost your self-confidence and self-esteem, such as setting and achieving personal goals, practicing self-care, and surrounding yourself with supportive people. Moving through the IDL curriculum with others is designed to surround yourself with two “sanghas,” or transpersonal support systems. The first are your fellow students while the second sangha consists of the menagerie of characters that you interview. Self-acknowledgement and reinforcement for small assertive actions, thoughts, and dream behaviors is an important way to build your confidence. When you do or say something assertive, tell yourself, “Good!”
Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies
Almost all of us were scripted as children to please our parents and elders. When we did, good things happened. When we didn’t, bad things happened. Years of this, before we entered school, much less learned how to think, likely created one of three relationships with others. Either we became people pleasers or reacted to that and became defiantly independent, or we became some combination of the two. It was unlikely that with such conditioning we formed an assertive relationship with others in which we took both their needs and interests into account and our own, and formed a rational, reasonable balance.
A first step in undoing this dynamic is to take time to reflect on your people-pleasing tendencies and recognize when you’re engaging in behaviors to please others at the expense of your own needs or desires. Also take time to reflect on how you may insist on your own needs to the detriment of those of others, just to assert your independence. Explore the underlying reasons for your people-pleasing tendencies. This may include a fear of rejection, a desire for approval or validation, low self-esteem, or learned behavior from past experiences. Similarly explore how and why you may assert your independence and demand the primacy of your needs when you really don’t need to, but instead do so to make a statement. Identify and challenge any beliefs or assumptions that contribute to your people-pleasing behavior. For example, questioning beliefs like “I have to make everyone happy” or “I’m not worthy unless I’m meeting others’ expectations.” Look for assumptions beneath any insistence you make of your own independence, like, “Others will ignore my needs unless I demand they be met,” or “My opinion and beliefs are superior and therefore I must insist others agree with them.” Practice assertive communication skills, as mentioned above, such as using “I” statements, expressing your needs and preferences, and setting boundaries. Once you have learned to do so recognize that any need you may feel to assert your independence over the needs of others may diminish.
If you are a people pleaser, begin by asserting yourself in low-stakes situations and gradually work your way up to more challenging ones. Practice saying no, expressing your opinions, and setting boundaries in a calm and confident manner. Establish clear boundaries with others to protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Communicate your boundaries assertively and consistently, and be prepared to enforce them if necessary. Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Taking care of yourself empowers you to assert your needs and boundaries more effectively. It also generates authentic independence based on a grounded sense of who you are. The result is likely to be less of a desire to assert your independence. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, your IDL Sangha and intrasocial sangha to receive encouragement, guidance, and validation as you work on overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.
Dealing with cultural and societal pressures
Family, work, and social environments can present various challenges to assertiveness. In some families, assertiveness might be seen as disrespectful or confrontational, especially in cultures or environments that prioritize obedience or deference to authority. To address such circumstances, it is ideal if you introduce family members to the difference between aggression, passivity, and assertiveness and why assertiveness is important for healthy relationships. Until family members understand these distinctions and their importance they may misinterpret open communication about needs and boundaries so that expectations are realistic and healthy compromises are possible.
Family members may attempt to guilt-trip or manipulate you into complying with their wishes, making it difficult to assert your own needs and desires. If you suspect this is occurring, practice setting and enforcing boundaries with compassion. Setting up expectations in advance in terms of what are realistic expectations and what motives are in play reduces personalization, hurt feelings, and defensiveness. Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. Seek support from a therapist or support group if necessary. Cultural norms and traditions can influence how assertiveness is perceived and valued within a family. Certain cultures may discourage individual expression or prioritize collective harmony over individual needs. An assertive approach navigates cultural expectations with sensitivity and respect while also advocating for your own autonomy and self-expression. Seek out cultural competence resources or therapy to help you navigate these dynamics.
Regarding obstacles to assertiveness at work and what to do about them, workplace hierarchies and power dynamics can make it challenging to assert yourself, especially when dealing with supervisors or higher-ranking colleagues. Address such workplace obstacles to assertiveness strategically and diplomatically. Choose the right timing and context to express your concerns or ideas, and frame them in a way that aligns with organizational goals and values. This takes planning and significant knowledge into the priorities of management and how to reflect them in your position. Fear of retaliation, rejection, or negative evaluations can easily prevent you from speaking up or asserting yourself at work. In such instances, it is important for you to assess the potential risks and benefits of assertive behavior in a given situation. Realistically, there are some work places and some supervisors which will not tolerate anything but passivity. However, you can test the waters and build your confidence by starting with small assertive actions and gradually increasing your comfort level as your approach is met with little resistance if not outright support. Document instances of unfair treatment or harassment and seek support from HR or legal resources if necessary. However, if you do so, be prepared to financially sustain yourself if you lose. Companies have greater resources to expend on stamping out perceived or actual challenges to their authority than do most individuals.
Toxic workplace cultures are characterized by aggression, competition, or passive-aggressiveness. They discourage assertive communication and promote unhealthy conflict resolution strategies. When organizational employer-employee collectives conspire to stamp out assertiveness the odds are that you will shapeshift into a willing supporter or you will jeopardize your financial security. While it is always good advice to lead by example by modeling assertive and respectful communication in your interactions with colleagues, set realistic expectations. Believing one is likely to make a significant positive change in entrenched corporate workplace culture is not realistic. If Presidents in the United States regularly find their options limited by long-standing bureaucratic operational precedents and policies, chances are that you will too. Advocate for positive changes to workplace culture through constructive feedback, team-building activities, or leadership development initiatives. However, recognize that leadership may allow you to do so merely to virtue signal while having no intention to make significant behavioral changes.
Expect your peer networks at your workplace to exert pressure to conform to largely unspoken passive or aggressive norms or expectations. For example, due to the profit motive, if you are a pacifist working inside the arms industry, do not expect expressions of assertiveness to win you support or credibility
. For example, if you surround yourself with supportive friends and social networks that encourage authenticity and mutual respect in such organizations, you will essentially be viewed as establishing an oppositional power center like a union, that is a threat to management.
Regarding assertiveness in social settings, begin by finding points of agreement with people who are judgmental, critical, or simply hold different opinions. Practice expressing your opinions, setting boundaries, and standing up for yourself when necessary. Fear of being rejected, judged, or ostracized by others can undermine your assertive behavior in social situations. Challenge irrational beliefs and negative self-talk that fuel fears of rejection or judgment. Focus on building self-confidence and self-acceptance through positive affirmations, self-care practices, and exposure to supportive social environments.
Cultural or societal norms around gender, age, ethnicity, or other identity factors shape expectations for how you should behave in social interactions. In such instances, assertive choices are relatively clear-cut. They include advocating for respect of all individuals, irrespective of identity, ethnicity, age, or gender. At the same time, assertiveness toward societal norms involves reciprocity in accountability and equal treatment under the law.
Assignments and Homework
- Write down your answers to the following questions.
- Share your answers with your other study team members.
- Discuss.
- Submit your written answers to your team supervisor.
Where in your life do you most lack assertiveness?
In what life situations are you most likely to be passive? Why?
In what life situations are you most likely to be aggressive? Why?
Reading:
Under “Essays and Interviews,” read:
Videos:
In the IDL video curricula, watch:
Dealing With Non-Assertiveness
Sometimes, you will have a strong desire to do something that you are sure is assertive. For example, you may feel a strong desire to explain yourself to someone whom you are sure misunderstands or attacks you. The fact that you have a strong desire is a bright flashing red light that is screaming, “Danger! Drama!” You will tell yourself that you are being assertive by giving that person a piece of your mind, explaining yourself or telling them how screwed up they are, when you are just feeling victimized, and you are jumping into the role of the Persecutor, with the rationalization that you are “really helping” them. A more assertive approach is to resist the urge to explain and defend. Instead, repeat what they said and ask questions. This not only stalls for time while you cool down and collect your wits, it also gives you more information while allowing them a chance to hear a paraphrase of what they said. This often leads them to realize they were unclear or aggressive, leading them to defuse the potential confrontation themselves. We discuss a number of strategies to deal with non-assertiveness.
Interviewing:
At a minimum, do one interview a week, getting experience with both dream and life issue protocols.
One week, interview yourself.
One week, interview a subject. It can be a fellow team member, a family member, friend, or client.
One week, be interviewed by someone else.
Submit your written interviews to your supervising team member. To have your interviews automatically created for you, use the on-line interviewing format on this site.
Setting Intent:
What do you want to take away from this unit to improve your life?
How would you like it to influence your dreams tonight?
Format that as a statement of intention to read over to remind yourself, before you go to sleep, to incubate in your dreams tonight.
